Sex Worker Voices
'Nothing About Us, Without Us'
Eva graduated with a degree in politics and philosophy in 2010 and began sex work shortly after. She has since gained a Masters in Sexual Dissidence and continues to work in the sex industry. She is an outspoken social activist around sex worker rights and in her spare time enjoys minimal techno, marathon running and Reece Shearsmith. You can follow her at @BeauvoirFetish I’ve been working in the sex industry coming up for seven years now, and in that time I’ve faced many many prejudices, preconceptions and ideas around who buys sexual services and who pays for them. My opinions and thoughts around this has changed dramatically as I’ve come to know other providers and clientele, and as narratives around sex work have opened up. The media perpetuates stereotypes of a lonely, misogynist male violently and hatefully purchasing the body of a woman might be hegemonic, but is based on false assumptions. Hopefully, as more people dispel the taboo notions of sex work the diverse range of punters, each of whom bringing their own story, needs and vulnerability can be better understood. Over time, as the stigma I once assumed around sex work has shifted, my own boundaries and ideas have as well. I once thought that the only women who paid for sex were lonely older successful types who desired the company and attention of younger men with whom they shared an intimacy inside and outside the bedroom, yet when I ask any male sex worker if that’s their typical client, they roll their eyes at the baseless narrative. I’ve paid for sexual services more than once in my life. The first time was with a male dominant, but I’ve also paid for time with female dominatrix, and also for a girlfriend type experience with a female sex worker; all for very different reasons. I can say with a fair amount of confidence that I will again. My reasons for each booking were different, and each time I was seeking out something very particular that I felt I needed an expert hand at. I had experience in BDSM and had had female partners, but that’s not really the point. I paid for the services because I wanted to make sure that my needs were met, by a professional, in a safe and fully consensual environment. The first time I paid for sex from a male sex worker two things struck me. First, how expensive it is! Being a sex worker myself I value my time and my labour and I like to believe that I am worth every penny that I charge, but it’s still an expensive habit. I found a new respect for my work, and the fact that my clients pay so much for my services. I had never paid so much for an hour (in this case, two hours) of someone’s time and since then I have never berated or resented what someone else charged for their work, be it a plumber or a hairdresser. I knew what I wanted, which was a fairly hardcore sadomasochistic session from a male dominant - something I wasn’t getting in my loving, but fairly vanilla relationship. He was wonderful, really great and attuned to my needs which he had made great effort to understand through our initial email contact and phone conversations. The second thing that struck me was how irrelevant the power dynamic between purchaser and provider was. I never felt that I needed to perform, and I never felt that I was being cheated out of an ‘authentic’ experience by virtue of the fact that this man was being paid to be there for me. I knew that it was my needs being met, and not a coming together of mutual pleasure, but that never phased me. I wanted him to enjoy it, or rather, I wanted him to not mind me enjoying it and I left his dungeon two hours later feeling completely taken care of. I saw him twice more, and each time I forgot that I was paying for it. I don’t question how much he enjoyed it - I consider it disrespectful to try and gauge that kind of reaction. Rather, we both respected each other’s boundaries and with that mutual respect came a new understanding. He wasn’t my boyfriend but I didn’t want him to be. I just wanted a session, guilt free and easy, and he gave that to me in abundance. The dominatrix was different. She was a woman with whom I had worked with a few times as a colleague offering double sessions with paying clients. I was struck by her innate ability to truly read and understand her client’s needs and I compelled to play with her alone. Many of our professional sessions together were simply she and I playing together for a paying male client, her topping me for a male client who wanted to see a female sub suffer under the hands of a stronger female dom. I asked her after a booking we had if she would mind seeing me one on one for a paid interaction and she was more than happy to. She already knew my body, my limits and my pleasures, and later that week I knocked on her door ready for an hour or an unrelent beating. We enjoy each other’s company and often hang out together as friends outside of work. We film together often and she’s one of my most trusted and favoured colleagues. Again, paying for her time and professionalism never once undermined that. If I needed an electrician and a friend happened to be one, I would still pay for their time and knowledge and sex work is no different. Regardless of how one feels about their job, their professionalism, expertise and time must be rewarded. At the time I didn’t often get the chance to be selfish in bed, or ask for what I wanted. Paying for it gave me that luxury. Just this weekend I paid for sex of a more GFE (girlfriend experience) kind. It was an anniversary gift to my boyfriend - I wanted to be cuckolded, and to watch a man I know to be utterly wild in bed to fuck senseless a beautiful woman. This way I got to see how he fucks me, but from every angle, and in an emotionally safe and consenting environment. Perhaps we could have gone on Tinder and found someone up for it, but it was so much easier, and cleaner to pay for it. The adage of paying for sex, not to have a woman arrive but to have her leave after was very apt. I didn’t want any complications and I certainly didn’t want to have to look after the emotions of another person coming into my home and my dynamic. I simply wanted no strings sex with a beautiful woman, and paying for it seemed the most obvious way to do that. Being a sex worker myself I valued her time, and knew how much commutation and paying a deposit would mean. I paid her upfront, and wore a watch so she knew that I wouldn’t try to pressure her to stay longer. As it was, we had such a great time that we had to keep her for another hour, and I paid her accordingly. Interestingly, paying for sex also meant that my emotions were taken care of. I’m not a jealous person, and not particularity insecure either but a modicum of me sought comfort in knowing that there was no threat by her presence. I wanted my partner to be attracted to her - there’d be no fun in it for any of us if he wasn’t - and I wanted all of us to be relaxed and enjoy the night, but in paying for it I knew that our pleasure came first and that she could look after herself. That kind of selfishness isn’t always possible without a professional service provider. To think that some people consider sex work a violent gendered act of oppression is itself an oppressive notion. Women also pay for sex, so do couples and men who simply want time and company. I consider myself a feminist, and as a feminist I respect the labour, rights and autonomy of everyone. As a feminist I value the art of a good fucking, and sometimes, it’s easier just to pay for it.
Don Blevins
4/21/2017 03:00:35 pm
Loved this article. The combined views of sex worker and client were invaluable. Readers interested in the views of clients, both male and female, should go to https://sexworkclients.org/share-your-story Comments are closed.
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Sex Worker Voices
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