"50 Things they Never Told You About Seeing a Dominatrix" by Mistress Evilyne

12/29/2016

Mistress Evilyne is a British, London based professional dominatrix. Originally a pastry chef by profession, Mistress Evilyne left the world of kitchens 4 years ago to throw Herself into a whole new field of work where in a short time, she has thrived and become quite vocal about sex workers' rights. Mistress Evilyne is an advocate for the de-stigmatisation of sex work, and alternative sexuality and relationships in general.

You can follow her at @MsEvilyne

On the coat tails of My last blog post, 50 things they never told you about being a Dominatrix, I received a lot of feedback asking Me to write a similar list for submissives wanting to get into visiting professional Dominatrices. It can be a scary and confusing experience throwing yourself into the world of kink, and there are many blog posts and forums axed towards lifestyle kinksters out there. But what if you don’t want to get involved in the scene? What if your job or personal life prevents you from doing so? Then this blog post is for you. I hope that this advice will be useful for you, helping to guide you into not making the same mistakes so many others have before you.

Experience trumps looks
So you’ve never been to see a Dominatrix before, and you’ve finally decided to take the jump. A quick google search has brought up some amazing hotties who look straight out of a centrefold. Stop right there and think for a second. You’re not going to shag whoever you go to see. Being a Dominatrix is about skill. What you are looking for is a Woman who will know how to get into your head, know how to do some stuff which can be pretty dangerous and not mess you up in the process, and most of all, be sound of mind and body. A Domme/sub connection is about so much more than looks! So bookmark the hotties, by all means. But don’t stop there. keep looking.
Being horny will fuck you over
Following up from My last point, My advice is basically this: Have a wank before doing your research! When looking for a Mistress, you want to have a clear head. So don’t go on your internet search when you’re horny, because we all know that when men are horny, they lose the ability to think straight, and they get themselves into lots of trouble.
It’s important to know what you want
If you’re thinking of going to see a Dominatrix, it’s because you’ve got some kinky tendencies. Take the time to write down a list of things which you think might interest you and things that you definitely don’t want to do. If you have no idea, sit down and have a think about what sort of stuff you like to see in porn, magazines etc, what you think about when jerking off. Think about what really turns you on about Femdom. Is it losing control? Is it the humiliation factor? Maybe it’s just the taboo kinkiness of it all. Whatever it is, I really can’t recommend enough to take your time and have a think about your motivations. It will really help you streamline your Mistress search
Matching interests is what it’s all about
So you’ve had a good long think about your motivations, interests and limits. Great. Now you can start reading websites properly and looking at if various Ladies match up to the approach you would like them to take towards Femdom and also if they are into the same sort of stuff as you.
It’s better with friends
In the modern days of the internet, you no longer have to be alone in your interest in kink, even if your life doesn’t allow you to enjoy it at your leisure. I can’t recommend enough joining Fetlife (a sort of facebook for kinky people) and twitter. So think of an online alias you want to give yourself, and find a picture which you think represents you (for the love of god, don’t use the egg as your twitter profile picture). This will not only allow you to connect and interact with Dominatrices online, but also with fellow submissives. One of the saddest things that I have noticed about some of My clients is that they are all alone in their love of kink. They have nobody to talk to about it, nobody to share their experiences with. Making friends who understand you and what you are about is pretty much the best thing you could ever do for yourself.
You’ll regret flying Ryanair
Seeing professional Mistresses is indeed an expensive habit, so it can be super tempting to go for the cheap one. I’m going to explain to you why this is a really bad idea. Being a Dominatrix is really expensive. I have spent tens of thousands on equipment, furniture, outfits etc. I also rent a complete apartment just for My playspace. Hence, I need to ask for high prices to make it worthwhile. The Lady who charges half what all the other do likely just sees what She does as a money earner and nothing else. She knows that by undercutting the competition, She will get lots and lots of customers, and she most likely doesn’t give a rat’s arse about their well being etc. She will most likely not be well equipped and also not have a clue what She is doing. After all, if She was good at what She does, She wouldn’t have to cut Her rates to attract clients, would She? So start a kitty, put a little into it every week, and save up for what will be a mind blowing experience rather than splurging on tosh.
The web is an amazing resource
We all leave a trail, and that includes Mistresses. If there is one who piques your attention, google Her. Check Her out on all the forums. Have a look at Her twitter. There will most likely be reviews left of Her on certain sites. If there aren’t, you can still see a lot about Her, and learn what type of person She is. Read Her blog, look at Her twitter history, buy Her clips. Find out if She is the right person for you before taking the dive.
What’s hot in your head might not transfer well to reality
For a perfect example of this, click here. But to resume, some things are better kept to wank material. A good analogy for this would be rape fantasies. It can be super hot to imagine a stranger coming in through your bedroom window and forcing you to have sex with them. The reality though, is that if this happened in real life, you would end up traumatised, with PTSD, as well as some pretty severe injuries and maybe even an STD. So keep yourself in check and think hard about whether what you fantasise about is logistically possible and also whether it’s something that would actually be enjoyable at all. Back to the rape analogy, if you really do want that to happen, then be aware that it will be faked, within a predefined scenario that you come up with through communication with your Mistress, and that you will have been clear from the beginning that you are fully aware that this is fantasy play and that you don’t want the actual thing.
Politeness will take you a long way
So now you’ve made your choice, and decided on who you want to go and see for your first Femdom experience. Please don’t make the stupid mistake of writing a one liner email along the lines of “Hi babes, when you open?” Just don’t. Take the time to write a polite introductory email. Start it off with “Dear Mistress/Lady/Governess/Princess/… “X“. Then tell Her how you have researched Her, how much you like Her, that you hope you will be allowed to see Her. Next go into an explanation that you are a first timer, maybe giving a little history of what you like about Femdom and how you got into it. Then tell Her about what you think you might like and dislike, mentioning that of course, being new to all this, you aren’t really sure. Basically, you are trying to present yourself to Her in a good light, to be polite and respectful, and to give Her as much information as you can. Hence point 3.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness
When you do finally go to your first appointment, think of it as a date. Dress smartly. Be freshly groomed and showered, smell nice. Sort out those manky toe nails. Brush your teeth. Basically, try to impress Her. If you can get away with it, shave your pubes too. Trust Me. Us Mistresses love a man who goes to the effort to shave his cock and balls for Us.
Gifts never go amiss
If you really want to make a good impression on your chosen Mistress, I recommend taking in everything that you read about Her from Her website and other sources and using that to buy Her a thoughtful little (or big, depending on your budget) gift to bring with you to your first session. Trust Me. It makes a world of difference.
You won’t always get it right
Despite all the research you do, you might go and see your first Mistress and have a terrible time. Don’t let that put you off. It’s just that you two didn’t match. Try to see the positives. You are now that much better educated and know what you don’t want, which will help you make more informed decisions in the future. It might happen instantly, or it might take a really long time. But whichever it is, if you keep on searching you will eventually find the right Dominatrix for you.
There’s this thing called subspace
Sometimes, when you visit a Dominatrix, you end up in this strange alternate reality. The scene is going to well that you completely lose yourself in it and almost feel drugged. You’re walking on air, and everything is amazing. That’s known as subspace, and if it doesn’t happen, that’s OK. But if it does happen, that’s great! Enjoy it, but don’t go chasing it. It comes when it comes. You can’t force these things.
There’s a thing called subdrop
It’s directly linked to subspace. Just the same as you feel down after taking ecstasy, you will have a drop after the high of subspace. It can make you feel depressed and lonely and is not very nice. The thing to do is always plan for it. Whatever makes you feel good, make sure you will have access to it after a session. Whether it be hot chocolate and cake, or going to get a massage. Do your thing and ride out the drop. You’ll be just fine.
There’s a thing called subfrenzy
So you’ve had your first session with Mistress SoAndSo and it was AMAZING! You are completely elated, and know that you have found the One. You’re already starting to plan your next visit, and how you are going to become Her personal slave and maybe even Her boyfriend… after all, you DEFINITELY felt a connection! Stop right there. It’s the Mistress’ job to make you feel amazing. Please always remember that as much as a Mistress may be enjoying Herself, it is a job, and there was a transaction between the two of you. So since She did such a good job, do by all means keep going to see her. Spoil Her with gifts because She deserves it for being so awesome at what She does. But don’t throw yourself into worshipping Her like a Goddess and planning to abandon your current life to serve Her. Take a deep breath, enjoy the giddiness, and look forward to your next session. I wrote a blog post about this type of behaviour recently. You can read it here.
Dominatrices are people too
She may be the object of your fantasies, but doing that is Her job. A Dominatrix is first and foremost running a business and also has a life outside of being a Mistress. Therefore, She won’t always be available to instantly answer your calls/texts/emails, She won’t necessarily be able to be ready for a session or camming at a moment’s notice, and most importantly, She has feelings, and ups and downs just like everyone else. So be respectful and always keep that in mind.
You will leave a trail
What I said earlier about how Mistresses leave a trail on the internet, the same goes for you too. So don’t go trolling people or being offensive in forums. You might live to regret it when you can’t get any sessions because nobody will go near you with a barge pole.
If it isn’t fun, it isn’t BDSM
If your Mistress makes you feel guilty, if you find your self esteem waning, or if you are being pushed to go beyond your limits on a regular basis, then run! You have fallen into the hands of an abuser. Remember, kink should ALWAYS be fun! If it’s getting too serious and affecting you negatively, it isn’t kink, it’s abuse.
Communication is key
Don’t be scared to tell your Mistress about how you feel. Don’t do it in the middle of a scene, but before and after sessions and via email, do communicate! Tell Her if there is anything that makes you uncomfortable, if you have thoughts and feelings about anything. Tell Her about how various things have affected you. Don’t bottle stuff up and then get pissed off because She couldn’t tell. Seriously, don’t do that shit. That’s the best way to fuck up any relationship, whether it be a friendship, marriage, or a D/s one.
Therapy is awesome
I personally recommend getting a therapist to everyone. So I thought I’d add it in here too. If you have never been to see a therapist, and think it’s all bollocks and you don’t need one, you are wrong. Everybody has issues. Whether it be self sabotaging, OCD, problems building relationships, or even something as simple as anxiety. Everything that you are today stems from the way you have reacted to things that have happened to you in the past, including your kinks. I am not saying your kinks need to be fixed, and that is not what therapy is about. But they are an expression of how you have dealt with certain things in your life. Therapy involves letting a person who has a very good knowledge of the human psyche guide you gently in a journey of self discovery, acceptance and most importantly, forgiving. Its also another fantastic example of a long term professional relationship, just like with a Mistress. Femdom can be super intense. So having someone who can help you navigate your feelings is a really awesome told to have in your life. Now I very often hear people bandy around the term “kink friendly therapist” as if any other therapist is going to be prejudiced against you for being kinky. That is complete nonsense. Any therapist of worth will be completely non-judgemental and see your kinks just as any other part of you. A useful insight into how your psyche deals with life. Another great thing about having a therapist, is that they will be able to help you stay balanced towards your kink life. Because everything in life is about balance.
It’s a service industry
You are paying this woman to fulfil your fantasies. As such, She is offering you a service. This should lead you to remember several things. Firstly, you should always be grateful to Her for seeing you,because She is under no obligation to. She could just choose not to take your bookings. Secondly, by accepting your booking and your money, She is bound to do what you asked for. So if you have discussed beforehand how the session is going to go (which you should have), then She should do just that. If your Mistress goes completely off track, She is not abiding by your transactional agreement. So if this happens, it’s time to find another Mistress.
Anything sexual should be approached with caution
Some Dommes have sex with their clients, but most don’t. Some give hand jobs, others don’t. Some allow you to lick them out, others don’t. And one thing I can guarantee you is that if you ask for any of these things, even to the ones who provide them, you’ll get “No.” as a response. Never ever expect sexual favours from a Dominatrix. If you are lucky, and you guys click, you might get a treat. But never expect it. If She does do anything sexual with you, it is Her perogative, and because She feels like it in the moment. Despite this being a service industry, Us Dominatrices only offer services We enjoy. And sexual services can definitely only be enjoyed on Our terms when We feel comfortable with it, and when We feel in control. If anyone asks Me to lick Me out, they don’t even get a session.
The devil is in the details… and not in a good way
The worst thing a Mistress can receive as a request from a potential client is an itemised list or scenario. Not only does this give Us no room to be creative, but it also leaves Us completely unable to satisfy you. If you go into a session with a perfectly defined idea of what you want, all scripted and every details predefined, nobody is ever going to be able to live up to that image. So the best thing to do is to forget about scenarios like that and just give a broad outline of what you are into and let the Mistress do the creative work. It’s just like going to a famous tattoo artist with an already drawn picture and asking them to copy it. It’s an insult. If you go to a renowned tattoo artist, you tell them a vague idea of what you want and let them create something in their own style for you.
Labels are for jars
Don’t get too caught up with having to label yourself as a slave/masochist/submissive/bottom etc. We all have fluid identities and you can be several things at once or halfway between one and another. So don’t sweat it.
Timeliness is of the essence
A Mistress expects you to be EXACTLY on time for your appointments. Just like a therapist, any time that you are late by is time lost. And just like a therapist, your Mistress will not open the door to you even a minute before your time. To ensure that you arrive at the correct time, plan to get there early. You can always stop off in a nearby coffee shop and read a book while you wait. But it would be silly to miss out on half of your appointment because you got caught in a traffic jam.
It’s ok to tip
If you had a really good time with your Mistress, it’s ok for you to leave Her a tip. I am certain that any Mistress will be grateful for it.
Limits are made to be pushed
Once you have a regular Mistress, put your trust in Her. Let Her gently push your limits and help you explore new things. That’s where all the fun is in kink. Who wants to watch the same boring old film again and again?
Nobody likes a corpse
When you are in session with your Mistress, don’t just lie there like a dead fish. Be physically and verbally responsive. How is She supposed to know what you like and don’t like if She is literally flogging a dead cat? The fun in a session is in the exchange. So let yourself get into it. Relax, and have a blast.
Substances and kink don’t mix
Sure, most Mistresses use poppers in sessions, and lots of guys love them. But don’t start trying to take illegal substances or getting drunk. Firstly, these things make you unpredictable and can possibly end up taking you to a really bad place mentally, and secondly things like alcohol thin the blood. So if skin is broken, you won’t stop bleeding.
There’s no need to rush
It’s all so exciting and overwhelming, and now you’ve had a taste, you want more, and more and more! Relax, take a deep breath, and remember that you still have your whole life ahead of you to experience everything. Take your time and rather than looking to what you haven’t done yet, enjoy what you are doing. You will naturally evolve towards trying other things and having new experiences. There is absolutely no need to cram everything into your first few experiences
An hour is only 60 minutes
One of My pet peeves is when someone contacts Me for a session and wants to do a huge multitude of things, all in one hour. If I am rushing around trying to tick things off a list, how do you think the session is going to go? Let Me tell you: terribly. So you have two options.Either swallow the bullet and book a longer session, or streamline your requests.
Nobody likes a name dropper
Unless expressly asked about it, don’t mention other Mistresses you have seen in the past, and what you did with them and how amazing they are. It is terribly rude. Whenever a client does this to Me, it always makes Me feel like he is trying to belittle Me, or give Me a bar to live up to.
She’s only your Mistress during the time you pay Her for
If you are a sissy or adult baby, or anything else, don’t write an application letter in character. You are conducting a transaction with another adult, so act like one. Play time is in the dungeon, not in the emails or phone calls.
Poor hygiene is rife
When you visit a Mistress for the first time, pay attention to the cleanliness of Her playspace and equipment. Even better, go and perv Her social media when you are doing your research, and keep an eye out for in session photos and videos. Is She using gloves and condoms? Is Her playspace tidy and clean? Pay attention.
Kink is not punishment
If you are thinking of going to see a Mistress because you have feelings that you need to be punished, you are looking down the wrong road. Don’t fall into the trap of self abuse. Because that is what it is. The difference between cutting or burning yourself and going to see a professional to be beaten half to death is only that you are paying someone else to do your abuse for you. So if you recognise yourself in this, know that going to see a Mistress is not the answer to your problems and it will only make you feel even more self loathing and alienated. Take a step in the right direction, and seek a true professional’s help. Find a therapist who can help you work through your feelings of self hatred. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
The best way to ingratiate yourself with your Mistress is by supporting Her financially
If you find a Mistress that you really like, and start to see regularly, show Her your appreciation by supporting Her financially and/or buying Her things that She needs. We don’t make as much money as We seem to, and every little helps. By supporting your Mistress, you are showing Her that you care about Her beyond the professional boundary, and that means the world to Us.
Discretion is your friend
My pet peeve is when a client arrives at My playspace and announces at the top of his lungs “GOOD MORNING MISTRESS!“. Do try to remember that what We do is frowned upon by regular people and as such, discretion is Our leitmotiv. That “Good morning Mistress” could be heard by the wrong person and end up with your Mistress getting evicted, or even reported to the press. So do be discreet!
The rules are he rules
You have your limits, and your Mistress has Hers. Always respect them, as you would wish to have yours respected.
Being a film slave shouldn’t be taken lightly
If you want to be a film slave, great! But be aware of the following points.
-Your videos will be on the internet FOREVER. Even if hooded, you will be recogniseable to someone who knows you well.
-You will necessarily be one on one with your Mistress. Often, filming involves a crew, and other film slaves. So forget personal sexy time (PS:I do film alone, so with Me it is personal sexy time)
-Filming is not like sessions. Scenes happen faster and are more extreme. Be prepared to be pushed.
A helping hand is always appreciated
Messy session? Why not offer to help your Mistress clean up afterwards? Simplez.
She doesn’t care what you look like!
Any worthwhile Mistress won’t care if you are tall and handsome of short and chubby. She understands that connection is deeper than just looks. So relax, and don’t try “seducing” Her with your first email telling Her about how good looking and athletic you are. It’s a waste of your energy.
Dick pics are the enemy
This goes for pretty much any woman, really. I just thought I’d mention this because men fucking love sending photos of their dicks. But you know what? Women hate receiving them. So do yourself a favour and just stop it.
You are not a loser
There is nothing less attractive than a groveling self deprecating loser. So stop that act right now because it’s the best way to completely alienate your Mistress. Have some self respect for god’s sake!
Marks can take a long time to fade
If you are into corporal punishment, always make sure that you have planned your diary accordingly for the few weeks after your session. A swimming trip with the kids after some heavy whipping might bring about some awkward questions.
Your work email address is best kept for work
Same goes with your personal email address. Start a kinky email address specifically for communicating with kinksters and Mistresses and opening social media accounts. And give it a different password from anything else in your life. Some people in your life might like to snoop…
There are many ways to support your Mistress
On top of supporting your Mistress financially, or if that is not doable for you, why not start a blog detailing your experiences? Write Her a glowing review and post it online or email it to Her so She can put it on Her website? Or make your social media account geared towards promoting Her. If you have a good skill set, offer to be of use to Her.
Longer sessions are advised
Although the standard is a 1 hour session, I personally advise you to visit your Mistress for 2 or 3 hour sessions. This gives Her the time to slow down and create a more natural flow to your time together, and also allows you both to chat during the session, getting to know each other more. Another aded bonus, is that if you end up doing an intense scene, it gives you the time to wind down from it still within the mood and feel of the session.
You might need to travel
Nobody can account for compatibility. It might turn out that the perfect Dominatrix for you is a hundred or more miles away. Don’t let that put you off. She’ll be worth travelling for.
It’s ok not to be attached to one Mistress
Some of you guys simply can’t stick to one person, and that’s ok. If you like picking fruit from every tree, and living a life of varied experiences, go ahead! But one thing you must do is be honest about that with the Mistresses you visit. We all know boys do the rounds, and We are cool with it. But when someone pretends to make themselves exclusive to Us and then buggers off to someone else, it’s more than a little vexing, and means that you are messing up any chances of ever seeing Us again.
Beware the snake with the silver tongue
Beware of the Mistress who after seeing you only a few times starts seducing you into being Her personal slave and demanding more and more from you. This can seem very attractive at first, but this woman will probably end up ruining your life. Take things slowly, and make sure you choose a Mistress who does too. Don’t let your dick lead you into trouble!!!

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