On intimacy with another.....

What is intimacy? What does the word mean to you? When you ask yourself these questions what happens in your body? How close do you actually want to get to yourself and others?

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What is intimacy? When you ask yourself this question, what happens in your body? Where does the question ’land’ for you?
Intimacy is relational, it speaks to the proximity and space between people or things, typically in this context between two lovers, although it can be equally used of course to describe the relationships between objects.

How do we define proximity? Perhaps it is how much of our truest selves we are prepared to reveal to our partners, how deeply we offer our authentic selves, dropping our masks, letting go of the act of presenting what we think the other wants to see and instead risking showing all of ourselves, even (especially) those parts that we feel shame, disgust or aversion to showing. Essentially then, how much of our core selves are we willing to reveal, even (especially?) when it feels like we are exposing a raw nerve to the elements. (More about this in my post on the nervous system).

And space? Perhaps this is to do with how we hold our relationship with the other. Is it one of gentleness, like a butterfly in the palm of our hand, delicate and full of kindness, or do we clutch in an iron grip of control born of our own fears of scarcity, loss, abandonment or betrayal? Are we allowing our partner’s to live their own lives, be whomever they wish to be, supporting their experiences, growth and freedom even in the face of our own contractions and jealousies, or do we hold ourselves at distance to protect ourselves from over-exposure, from the pain and loss that might come with broken expectations, divergent life paths and loss of relationship? Conversely do we attempt to bind ourselves to that person so tightly that we are attempting to merge, to fuse, to become one again in some psychic reconciliation of a childhood separation wound or perhaps aspiring to the non-dual state of oneness that spiritual paths such as Saiva Tantra and much of modern pop spirituality and quantumn physics describe?

Dossie Easton, one of the matriarchs of Conscious Kink; (and author of ‘The Ethical Slut’) defines intimacy as ‘shared vulnerability’. This feels true to me. Those times in my relationships with others, be that a short meeting with a stranger in a cafe or time spent in lovemaking with an intimate partner, where I am prepared to take a risk, to reveal something of myself that feels edgy, that causes my chest to tighten, my breath to shorten, butterflies in my stomach, uncertain how I will be received, those are the times where I have felt most connected, most raw, vulnerable, alive, intimate and vital. These are the moments of deep connection in my life that I cherish. 

One of the big learnings in my life, where I have spent much of it exploring intimacy and connection with myself and others, is that the more risks I take in vulnerably exposing my authentic self, the more deeply seen, accepted and connected I feel with others. Conversely the times I spent hiding my true self, trying to be what I thought others want me to be in order that I might feel accepted and part of the gang were some of the loneliest and most desperate of my life. So my invitation to you; take a risk, share that thing that scares you, offer yourself despite your fear, live bravely and with fierce gentleness.
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With love, in service, Drew

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