Polarity in long term relationships.

Fading sexual desire between partners in long-term relationships is something that many of us will face sooner or later. Exactly the things that bring us together, in time, start pushing us apart. What can we do to sustain our passion?

The small quirks that, at first, we find attractive, that fan the flames of our desire, then become annoying when the energy and our perception shifts. The intense and intoxicating passion that electrifies us in the early connection slowly fades until a once smouldering couple muddle along like besties (or even enemies) with barely a kiss on the cheek.

Attraction can turn to resentment when our partner, onto whom we often project our hopes and dreams, our unresolved infantile yearnings to be fathered or mothered, and our Disney romantic ideals of a princess or knight in shining armour, turns out to simply be another human being; not the omnipotent god-dess that our wounded self so desperately longed for. Heaven forbid we have to start to taking responsibility for our own emotional selves! That curious expression ‘our other half’ reveals far too much about the incomplete and unresolved psychological development of the speaker than they might know. Finally, there is the insidious poison of betrayals and secrets that can accumulate over time, unspoken out of our shame and fear until the pandora's box of some big or many small mistakes mortally sinks the relationship.

Oops, did I get a bit gloomy? Aging cynical me? I hope not, actually feel very positive about relationships. They seem to be one of the most powerful containers for deep alchemy, if we choose this. I’ve been blessed enough to have experienced some magical ones and some challenging ones and occasionally a hefty pinch of both at the same time. I’ve been in all of those places I’ve mentioned above and I’ve found my way out of most of them, thanks in no small part to listening to the wisdom of others and resolving to keep my side of the street as clean as possible.
There are some things we can do, consciously, to prevent the fading of desire in the first place, or to recover and reignite the fire if it has faded. One of my teachers, Michaela Boehm, has talked about two kinds of intimacy. The first kind is that which we might see between an old couple, walking along the seafront wearing matching tracksuits, ordering for each other in the restaurant, finishing each other's’ stories because they know each other so well they have almost merged into one being (or at least a sort of siamese twin couple).  Intimate and beautiful perhaps, but probably not a prelude to hot sex (my judgement).

Then there is sexual intimacy, sometimes called sexual polarity. You know that couple who look like they are about to go at it at any moment? The couple who look at each other with the playful spark of vital, flirty desire? Where the air seems to sizzle between them? I’ve seen this in couples & relationships of all ages. This is created by exactly the opposite of what the above referenced couple have been practicing. This kind of magnetic, electrical passion is created by spaciousness.

Imagine two magnets pulling together. Once they have met, there’s not much more that can happen. They stay stuck together, until perhaps the charge wears off and they just fall apart. But if a space is maintained between the two magnets then the attraction remains. The pull remains, the desire to unite remains. It’s all about ‘the space between us’.

So the practice is to create space. That place between our comfort zones and our panic zones. Let’s call it the growth zone.

Of course there are some (many) other practices. Building trust, clearing resentments & getting honest and accountable are key if they have been missing in the relationship. Waking ourselves up from the slumber of repetition and making a decision to keep looking at our partners with fresh eyes, remaining curious and inquisitive, refusing to make assumptions, refusing to be lazy, seeking to feed the flames, being playful and spontaneous. And yes, if the relationship is asleep then waking it up again can be a bit clunky, awkward even, and occasionally downright hard work. However if both couples wish to make it happen, then it’s easier than it might feel.

Lifecoach Tony Robbins uses a model of six core human needs to explain behaviour. Two of these needs are the apparent opposites of certainty and variety. We have a need for certainty in order to feel safe so our nervous systems and primal brain can relax and feel comfortable, but too much comfort and we switch off entirely, power-down, slip into automatic pilot. So we have another need for variety, excitement, the unknown, the great adventure. We can either meet these needs consciously, by surprising each other, challenging each other, caring for each other, or we will unconsciously seek out ways to meet the needs anyway, perhaps by manifesting an illicit affair, or intrigue with a workplace colleague. Knowing that these are two basic human needs means that we can make choices to satisfy them both.

Neo-tantra and the conscious sexuality mob talk about creating polarity between a couple. This shows up in dualistic pairs such as yin and yang, sun and moon, masculine and feminine, assertive and receptive. Many exercises are practiced that emphasise the difference between the couple in order to create space and get that electricity back. These often include exploring different forms of touch, different ways of being, perhaps different movements and breaths and words, all designed to expand the range of ways of being and ways of meeting.

For many couples once they have worked out that rubbing at spot A and kissing at spot B will more often than not create a pleasure response they stop exploring new paths to pleasure. Getting curious about our partners again, not assuming we know their likes and dislikes but instead experimenting; trying new things, risking asking and speaking our fantasies and desires, choosing to touch with a different quality, or see with different eyes, or hold each other in a new way are all keys to unlocking trapped energy and getting things moving again. When was the last time you took a fistful of your partner's’ hair and told them what you were about to do to them? Or wanted doing to you?

In BDSM practice this is taken into a more extreme configuration, though it can be equally subtle and elegant. Recognising the delicious possibilities in the spaces between different poles, individuals who practice conscious kink choose to move as far apart from each other as they can, and assume opposite positions such as Master - Slave, Dominant - Submissive, Teacher - Student, Owner - Pet, and many thousands of other permutations. Add into this an understanding of the endocrine system and the intoxicating, powerful feelings that can be created in the body by causing it to release dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, endorphins etc and polarity can be ignited and maintained in a powerful and electrifying way.

Speaking of hormones and such, there are some folks who have suggested that the release of the hormone prolactin that happens especially after clitoral (for women) or ejaculatory (for men) orgasms can serve to suppress ongoing sexual desire between couples to prioritise the growing and caretaking of offspring the body assumes will arrive post-coitus. The science here is hazy at best and non-existent at worst but it has been used to explain the ‘Coolidge Effect’ in some animals whereby they exhibit renewed sexual interest on meeting new potential mates.

I’ll finish this rather long and rambling post with a teaching that was given to me by a lover. In her tantra school it was common practice for lovers to sleep separately even if they were meeting that night for lovemaking and communion, and even if they lived together. It was certainly considered clumsy practice to spend night after night in the same bed as this was considered to depolarise the electromagnetic attractive charge of the couple. So if you really wish to keep the fizz flowing for longer perhaps this simple act, yet one that is so counter to modern relationship practice, could be the spark that kindles your tinder.
Your comments welcome and invited, as always.

Click here to ask me a question or post in the comments below, and click here to book a 15 minute free skype coaching taster.

With love, in service, Drew