Miss Jenny is a lifestyle and (presently retired... but ya never know...) professional Domme who is a prolific writer, educator and performer with a pedigree that includes being featured as a Burlesque star, stand-up Dommedienne, nightclub hostess/emcee/promoter, pin-up and fetish model, tarot and rune reader, Ren Faire guild member, event and ritual coordinator, after-dinner speaker and radio show host/DJ. She’s also worked as a marketing consultant, licensed esthetician, and a clerk/advisor at multiple occult shops. And she is an online moderator for a handful of support groups; military/spouse support, health and wellness, financial matters, Pagan outreach and support for those disowned/estranged by vanilla family. She has done numerous TV and seminar appearances, demos, performances and lectures at DomCon LA (three times so far), the Rev Mel show on the TSR network as a repeat guest and birthday show roaster, the Talk of Heathens program, for LADs (Los Angeles Dommes and subs), for LICK (Ladies In Charge of Kink) and for dozens of dungeons, nightclubs, private parties, faires (Pagan Prides, LGBTQ Prides, Renaissance/Pirate, Rockabilly Kar-shows and Goth/Psychobilly/horror cons), munch groups, expos and Burlesque revues. Nope, this isn't going to be a Literotica-esque, Fetlife K&P dreck-piece. This is more of a not particularly titillating, yet discerning look at my FLR marriage (Female Led Relationship). No, we don't live a 247 orgy of vinyl catsuits, strap-ons and cheap floggers. We deal with bills, shopping, yard work, family dinners and other assorted unsexy things, yet D/s (Dominant/submissive) marriages tend to not be all that hyperfocused on the Big Sexy Fun as much as your average vanilla would think. We live a well-rounded life that's a lot of hard work- and is satisfyingly balanced. My husband and I are active in the BDSM subculture and various west coast (and periodically, Vegas) scenes. We attend gatherings such as play parties, munches, classes (both giving and taking) and large kink events in D/s mode. We sometimes do scenes and medium-ish protocol is our jam. Yet our lifestyle goes beyond S&M play, which we enjoy very much, but our dynamic is mainly that of TPE (Total Power Exchange) and authority transfer. Most of our D/s deal takes place in vanilla life. Our respective sides of the slash are also congruent with our strengths and weaknesses, as well as our preferential takes on how to get things done. Our individual household responsibilities do fall into traditional roles, yet then they kinda don’t. We never sat down once we decided to live together and parse out “You do this, and I’ll do that”. These flowed organically based on our fortes, as well as our respective suckages, and what we were each already doing independently well and not so well prior to our union. Though we are DINKS (Dual Income No Kids), he is the primary breadwinner. In addition to my own work, I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. I do all the sewing, shopping, and the finances. All of my duties, sans the financials, are considered traditional “women’s work”, but I was taught how to cook and sew by men. And the housework could also be seen as a way of taking control- especially if one is particular. One could view my cooking for him and keeping the kitchen clean as being subservient. Yet from my point of view, I am educationally caring for my sub’s nutritional needs. As well as my own, as I’m a health nut and bodybuilder while he needs to be physically fit in his line of work. And the kitchen is my domain just as much as my office and dungeon are. As for the type of D I am and the sort of s he is; Mr. MJ is a strong, masculine submissive. He’s also a Sergeant in the US Army and very much looks the part. Many new people think he’s a Dom til I put his collar on him. But he doesn’t proclaim that stale trope that often new male submissives -or bottoms, or Do-Me Guys who think they’re subs- often declare: I’m an alpha male in all arenas of my existence, but in the bedroom, I like a woman to take control. Which usually translates to I want a woman to Do Me while I lie there passively. And this scenario, more often than not; entails vanilla, overwhelmingly penis-centric sex with a porny Femdom tinge and some amateur furry handcuffs thrown in. Cos kinky. Bedroom activities aside, this I’m an alpha and I’m OK™ disclaimer is crowed so ubiquitously cos the patriarchal hegemony equates submission with being a wimp. Or the ‘sissy’ archetype. Or as being weak and feminine- with the latter two being conflated, of course. Mr. MJ makes no overcompensations nor defensive explanations for his submissive orientation. He doesn’t see submission as being a unilaterally simpering “yes man” stereotype. For himself, he sees obedience as doing his part to getting shit done. And I’m not the sort of D-type who would want a feebly-willed, overly malleable Yes, Mistress! parroting man with no substance nor crunch. As for the sort of Dominant I am, I like leadership, decision making, organization and creative and innovative ways to be resourceful. My need for more than average (but not tyrannical) control in my life originates from way back in my Domme-map. I had strict parents- including a sex-negative and overbearing mother; and they allowed very little personal autonomy, room for opinions that differed from theirs and absolutely no dissent. Then I went on to live the life of a young adult peppered with beyond-reasonably dictatorial and hovering bosses, boyfriends whose behaviors and attitudes were dripping with toxic masculinity, demanding clients, draining "friends" etc. And I was ever at the whim of a menagerie of mentally and financially unstable landlords and whackadoodle housemates. So now; better later than never in life, I’m asserting agency over my personal space with some overdue compensation. But certainly not at the expense of Mr. MJ. He prefers it this way and relishes being released of the burden of directing, planning and too much “forced inventiveness”. Additional to his military mindset, his upbringing was quite different from mine. While I had a helicopter mother, he was often left to his own devices; as he has two special needs younger brothers. So he favors structure, following orders, and to focus his mental energy on the nuts and bolts of the project at hand. And complementary, my wheelhouse is all the mental gymnastics and choreography. He’s quite mission-oriented and prefers tasks that are mapped out with specificity. For instance, when I send him to the grocery store, I need to make a very precise and descriptive list. Yet he’ll still often call me multiple times while he’s there with more questions or needing more clarification on unfamiliar items. He strives to please and prefers damage control over small mistakes. And not that there’d be consequences nor punishment (maybe funishment…) if he were to err. While I take care not to set him up to fail, he’s quite fastidious in his attention to detail. Despite what porn and mainstream pop culture tells vanillas, being a D-type doesn’t mean being hand-fed peeled grapes and having no-limits nubile slaves unilaterally doing your bidding and providing on-demand sex-dispensing. Being someone’s Dominant requires a leviathan amount of emotional labor; cerebral and physical staging, micromanagement and attentiveness. Mr. MJ summed it up succinctly during the Q&A segment of a class I was teaching when someone asked him if he was inclined to be a switch or a Dominant. He replied, “No way- being a Dom(me) is way too much work!” We are blessed in that we have the luxury of being out and proud. My inlaws are lifestyle. My grown daughter is alty, pan and a non-TERF/SWERF intersectional feminist who “gets it”. And Mr. MJ belongs to a unit that is quite progressive and cohesive. The unit has a few openly non-het soldiers, women in positions of leadership and is quite racially diverse. Guys who aren’t woke do not last long there. And they just recently had a trans-sensitivity seminar. Mr. MJ is one of a handful of soldiers who is into kink and/or the D/s lifestyle. They’re able to be open, or a least feel no need to hide who they are. And everyone takes care not to cross inappropriate conversational boundaries, get any marks that aren't covered by their PT gear (physical training T-shirt and shorts) or that affect the performance of their duties. And that includes allowing ample time to come down from the adrenal high of a scene before returning to their vanilla and professional plane of existence- and I’ve known people who need an entire day or weekend to recover from subspace/topspace. I discovered that he and a couple of his immediate friends weren’t the only kinksters there the one day I was at the unit for some business. A tall soldier whom I didn’t know approached me, leaned in and whispered I know you from the lifestyle… Apparently what began as a mundane paperwork errand became Take Your Mistress to Work Day.
This even happened overseas. Mr. MJ ran into someone who knows me while he was in Sharana Afghanistan, a gent I had done some BDSM demos with, as well as some Pin Up and fetish photo projects. I met him when he was a regular show patron of a Burlesque troupe I was in. It’s a small kinky world after all! So yeah, it’s a wonderful life. And that’s just it- it’s a lifestyle for us and many like us. It’s not exclusively a bedroom only, You’ve Been a Bad Boy thing to do on birthdays and holidays- which is totally cool too! But a lot of vanilla people (and fuckbois) think that’s the only dimension to an FLR. Where more times than not, it has little to nothing to do with sex and play. D/s in ingrained into most facets of our life, the infrastructure of our household and the framework of our lifetime success-journey. Hence, it invariably comes as a shock; and an all but audible boner-deflator, when thirsty guys skulk into my inbox with a I’ll do anything you want… perfunctorily stale overture, and I counter with that fab Rosie O’Donnell quote from Exit to Eden: “You want to fulfill my fantasy? Go paint my house.” Crickets
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